I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
 
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea.... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

When in doubt, mumble.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.